


Calling Zahhak Robotics

by FailureArtist



Series: Homestuck Chatlogs [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Customer Service, Other, Robotics, Trollmegle, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-06-27
Updated: 2012-02-11
Packaged: 2017-10-20 19:17:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/216231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deleted but back again! My adventures as Equius Zahhak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Equius and Terezi

CT: D--> Welcome to Zahhak robotics

CT: D --> How may I help you?

GC: H3H3H3H. 3QU1US WH4T 1N GOGS N4M3 4R3 YOU DO1NG?

CT: D --> Please state your request

GC: M4K3 M3 4 ROBOT!! >:0

CT: D --> What type of robot would you like?

GC: H3H3H3H, ON3 TH4T LOOKS L1K3 K4RK4T.

CT: D --> A robot of that lowb100d?

CT: D --> How 100d

CT: D --> And yet intriguing

CT: D --> What color b100d do you want him to have?

GC: 1 COULD US3 4 GOOD PUNCH1NG B4G!

CT: D --> Yes, robots are good for working out your AGGRESSIONS.

GC: R3D BLOOD >:] D3L1C1OUS C4NDY R3D BLOOD.

CT: D --> Red?

CT: D --> I cannot do that

CT: D --> Where would I get such swill?

GC: >:[ W3LL WH4T K1ND OF BLOOD DO YOU H4V3?

CT: D --> Cobalt

GC: 1S TH4T 44444444LL?

CT: D --> Oh, do you mean for the robots?

CT: D --> I get most of my b100d from Vriska

CT: D --> I have orange b100d

GC: H3H3H3 OF COURS3 TH4TS WH4T 1 ME4NT, 1 C4N SM3LL YOUR BLU3B3RRY BLOOD FROM H3R3.

CT: D --> You keep your nose away from me

CT: D --> Remember you are not e%actly a blue blood

CT: b100d

GC: T34L 1S MUCH YUMM13R TH4N BLU3 4NYW4Y! >:]

GC: OR4NG3 BLOOD 1S F1N3

CT: D --> Yes then

CT: D --> How big do you want your robot to be?

GC: MOTH3RFUCK1NG L1F3SIZ3! >:] >:]

CT: D --> Do you know how big Karkat is?

CT: D --> That isn't meant to be 100d at all I assure you

GC: H3H3H3H3H3H! 1M SUR3 >:P

GC: H3S SHORT H3H3H

CT: D --> I mean e%actly

CT: D --> How many zigs?

GC: GOG HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO KNOW? C4NT S33! JUST M4K3 H1M H4LF YOUR SIZ3 >:0

CT: D --> I hate to ask this, but seeing your obvious affection for him...

CT: D --> How lifelike do you want this robot to be?

GC: 1 DONT C4R3 4S LONG 4S 1TLL F1GHT B4CK >:]

GC: BUT 1 4M NOT W4X1NG FOR K4RKL3S!

CT: D --> I meant flushed feelings

CT: D --> Argghhh I am not Nepeta I shouldn't be asking such things

GC: 4R3 YOU 4KS1NG FOR TH3 ROBOT??? F33L1NGS W1S3? >:/

CT: D --> Do you want the robot to have feelings?

CT: D --> The last time I tried it did not go as e%pected

GC: H3H3H3H, NO F33L1NGS FOR ROBOT K4RK4T TH3N! >:]

CT: D --> Any other specifications?

GC: NOP33333333 >:]

CT: D --> That will be 100,000 boonbucks

CT: D --> Not including TA%

GC: H3H3H3 DO YOU DO LO4NS?

CT: D --> NO

CT: D --> Why would I do that?

CT: D --> I assume you can pay and you haven't just been wasting my time

GC: H3H3 1M N34R BROK3 FOR NOW

GC: 1 C4N SQU33Z3 SOM3 BOONBUCKS OUT OF D4V3 1M SUR3 THOUGH >:0

GC: OR P3RH4PS

GC: 1 C4N DO SOM3TH1NG FOR YOU??

CT: D --> What could you do for me?

GC: H3H3H W3LL 1 4M W3LL 4W4R3 OF YOUR FLUSH3D F33L1NGS FOR ROBOT G1RL

CT: D --> How did you find out?

CT: D --> Oops

GC: H3H3H3H! HON3STLY WHO DO YOU THINK YOUR3 T4LK1NG TO? 1 COULD SM3LL THE BLU3B3RRY BLUSH FROM M1LES >;]

GC: M4YB3 1 COULD T4LK TO H3R!

CT: D --> Could you really convince her to switch from black to red?

GC: P3RH4PS >:D

GC: 1 C4N C3RT41NLY TRY

CT: D --> Then I will lower the price to 70,000 boonbucks

CT: D --> Are you talking to her now?

GC: H3H3H, 1 C4444NNNN..

GC: 1F YOU W3R3 W1LL1NG TO LOW3R TH3 PR1C3 A B1T MOR3 ;]

CT: D --. It is as LOW as I can get it

CT: D --> Any lower and I'm strangling myself with my own bowstrings

CT: D --> See, I even lost the point on my arrow

GC: H3H3H3H3H! YOUR3 SO STR4NG3, 3QU1US

CT: D --> I need to pay for the materials

GC: R3G4RDL3SS 1 W1LL TRY TO F1ND H3R >:]

CT: D --> Plus, boonbuck is WEAK now

CT: D --> I blame a sudden influx of cash

CT: D --> Terezi?

GC: >:] 1M TRY1NG TO G3T SOM3 MON3Y FROM STR1D3R

GC: 4ND H1S D3L1C1OUS CH3RRY T3XT

CT: D --> I still cannot believe that every human has red b100d

CT: D --> The Strider one, though he has filthy language, is quite an e%pert on slam poetry

GC: H3H3H3H! MUCH B3TT3R TH4N T4VROS 1ND33D

CT: D --> When do you plan on paying me?

CT: D --> I need a downpayment before I can start

GC: SOON! >:]

CT: D --> Thank you, come again soon

 

CT: D --> Welcome to Zahhak Robotics

CT: D --> How may I help you?

GC: H4H4H4H44H!! TH1S 1S GOLD. S3COND T1ME 1V3 GOTT3N YOU 4G41N, J3GUS.

CT: D --> Have you gotten the money yet?

GC: Y3S!

CT: D --> I have drawn up some preliminary b100prints

\-- centaurTesticles send gallowsCalibrator karkatrobot.pdf --

GC: H3H3H3H, SM3LLS GOOD >:]

GC: 1LL S3ND YOU TH3 MON3Y TH3N~

CT: D --> Yes, I see it in my account

CT: D --> Did you succeed with Aradia?

GC: 1 SPOK3 BR13FLY W1TH H3R

GC: SH3 S41D SH3D T4LK TO YOU >:] >;]

CT: D --> Very good

~~~ Time goes by ~~~

~~~ because otherwise it'd be boring ~~~

CT: D --> Ms. Pyrope, your robot is ready

GC: 3XC3LL3NT! >:]

CT: * takes robot out of sylladex*

CT: D --> Does it please you?

GC: *kackling madly* 1TS P3RF3CT! >:D GOOD JOB

CT: D --> That will be 100,000 boonbucks

CT: D --> Terezi?

GC: 1 DO B3L13V3 1V3 4LR34DY P41D? >:]

CT: D --> You did not pay the extra 300,000

CT: D --> There were ta%es

CT: D --> E%tra e%pense

CT: D --> And Aradia hates me again

GC: 300,000 T4X

GC: YOUR3 K1DD1NG!

CT: D --> Inflation

GC: HMM.. 1M V3RY T3MPT3D TO T4K3 ROBO-K4RKL3S 4ND RUN

CT: D --> Then I will be tempted to break your kneecaps

GC: L1K3 G4MZ33 D1D YOURS??? H4H4H4H4!

CT: D --> I assure you Gamzee did not shot an --> into my knee and strangle me with a bowstring

CT: D --> That would be 100dicrous

GC: H3H3H3H WH4T3V3R YOU S4Y! >:/

CT: D --> I will take this robot unless you can pay the balance

CT: D --> Unless...there is something else you can do for me

GC: L11111K333?

GC: 1 H4V3 4LL TH3 BOONBUCKS 1N TH3 WORLD, TRUTH B3 TOLD, BUT 1 N33D MOST OF TH3M >;0

CT: D --> I was hoping you would provide the answer

GC: W3LL WH4T DO YOU W4NT?

GC: 1 KNOW YOU K1ND OF G3T OFF FROM G3TT1NG BOSS3D 4ROUND BUT TH3R3 H4S TO B3 SOM3TH1NG YOU W4NT ;]

CT: D --> I'm afraid I'm turning into the seadweller here

CT: D --> It has been too long for me

CT: D --> I should just take this robot and go

GC: HMPH! F1N33333, 1F YOU R34LLY F33L TH3 N33D.

CT: (D --> Sigh, if only she had asked for an anatomical accurate robot)

CT: (D --> No no mustn't think of that)

 

 


	2. Equius and John

EB: uh... hi!

CT: D --> Welcome to Zahhak Robotics

CT: D --> How may I help you?

EB: uh! well, um.

EB: ok, this is pretty embarassing.

EB: but i'm sort of having a... sylladex... problem.

CT: D --> Your secret items drop from your syllade%, right?

EB: ...what? no!

EB: i don't even have any secret items.

EB: or know what the heck secret items would even mean. jeez.

EB: it... oh, god.

EB: i accidentally... captchalogued my clothes.

EB: and i'm sort of, uh. naked.

EB: and i can't get them out of my sylladex again! it's locked!

CT: D --> This is not my area of e%pertise...

CT: D --> But have you tried punching it?

EB: ....no.

EB: would that work?

EB: i guess i could try punching it.

EB: hold on a second.

EB: fuck, ow! that hurt.

EB: and i'm still naked, great.

CT: D --> Where are you know?

CT: D --> Perhaps you could confiscate the clothes of a subordinate

EB: a.. huh?

EB: i'm on lowas.

EB: i guess i could try and steal one of the salamanders' cloak thingies.

EB: oh god, i hope nobody's watching me right now. that would be so awkward.

CT: D --> It is not stealing if you are superior

EB: i think it still is, dude!

CT: D --> I have commandeered the clothes of many a lowb100d

EB: and i am not their superior. they are my children.

EB: i've named them all.

EB: ...haha what.

EB: right, got a cloak tied around my waist. like a towel.

CT: D --> Unfortuntely, I usually ended up ruining them

CT: D --> What about your human subordinates?

CT: D --> Can they provide you new clothes?

EB: huh? ayou mean my friends? oh man, we're equals! but, hmm. i hadn't considered that.

EB: hmmmmmmmm...

EB: rose would just laugh and say i'm exhibiting myself or some psychobabbly crap, jade would... i don't even know what jade would do! i guess i just need to ask dave.

EB: maybe he can open a timey-portal-thing and give me some clothes, maybe?

CT: D --> Is Dave the one who e%cells in the Alternian arts?

EB: oh wow i just said maybe twice. what is sentence structure.

EB: what is english. durrrr.

EB: uh... i'm not really sure you could call his drawings art but i guess so.

CT: D --> He also draws?

CT: D --> Perhaps that's why Terezi is so smitten for him

CT: D --> He is truly a renaissance man

EB: uh, sure whatever you say dude.

CT: D --> I admire his poetic skills

CT: D --> I suppose if not for his obscene interest in the color red he would be your leader

CT: D --> I know all you humans have the same b100d, but I still can't imagine holding the color red in high regard

EB: i still don't get the whole blood-color thing, it's kinda weird that you have some sort o social construct or whatever the hell it is based on that. i mean it's not like you can help what you're born with!

EB: or. hatched with. i guess.

EB: wow, troll biology sure is weird.

EB: right, messaging dave.

EB: uh... wow, i think i should go! he's kind of simultaneously laughing his butt off and calling me a retard for losing my clothes.

EB: so, uh, thanks for the help i guess?

CT: D --> It is a pleasure serving a leader

CT: D --> I must leave too

CT: D --> I have hygienic issues to attend to

EB: ... ew.

 


	3. Sollux, Vriska, and Equius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was Sollux and Equius.

TA: welcome two zahhak robotiic2, how may ii help you?

AG: What the fuck? Captor???????? Since when do you work here?

TA: 2iince ii got hiired

TA: anymore dumb que2tiion2?

AG: No shit.

AG: Yeah is Equius here or not? My fucking arm is unresponsive.

AG: I don't trust you to look at it.

TA: he2 iin hi2 mediitatiion chamber

TA: and riight back at you

TA: ii dont want to look at you eiither

AG: 8luh, 8luh, I don't care. Tell him I'm here. I'm like his number one customer.

AG: Num8er even, god. Just staring at your ugly mug makes me forget.

AG: You certainly weren't hired for looks.

TA: ii learn my le22on from la2t tiime, never go iinto hii2 mediitatiion chamber

AG: Fine, move out of the way you little gru8.

AG: I'll go in there myself.

CT: D --> Ughhh oh god is that you gamzzeee?

AG: ........ uhh, no. I'm not even going to ask why you are looking for that dum8fuck idiot anyways.

AG: We've got pro8lems, Zahhak.

CT: D --> oh shitsticks nows not the time

CT: oh god oh god

CT: D --> Leave me lowb100d

AG: N8W IS A P8RF8CTLY G88D TIME. Don't you just shove me out the door!

AG: I need this fucking arm repaired, Equius!!!!!!!!

CT: D --> Lan...ugh! guage!

AG: ........

AG: Forget I asked! I'm out.

CT: D --> Come back in...oh god

AG: Captor, fix this, now.

TA: told you

AG: I don't give a fuck. Just look at it.

TA: but no one lii2ten2 two me

AG: Don't make me force you to do it.

TA: ugh what do you clean thii2 wiith?

AG: I can still strangle you with my perfectly healthy other arm.

AG: ........ w8, w8. I'm supposed to clean it?

TA: oh 2hiit you dont clean iit at all?

AG: He never said anything a8out cleaning it!!!!!!!!

TA: cour2e you dont even clean your haiir

AG: Shut up, I don't need to.

TA: iit2 in the fuckiing manual

AG: I look fine as is.

AG: Whaaaaaaaat? There was a manual?

TA: god ye2 there wa2 a manual

TA: everythiing ha2 a manual

AG: ........ okay so may8e someone, not naming any names here, misplaced their manual.

TA: who the hell mii2placed your manual

TA: cour2e i never read manual2

TA: now take off your arm

AG: Fuck, I think I just 8roke it. I don't remember this piece 8eing detacha8le at all.

AG: Ugh, isn't that what you're here for? You do it!

TA: how the hell diid you reach maturiity?

TA: you 2aid you diidnt want me touchiing you

TA: change your miind?

AG: In the interest of getting this useless piece of metal fixed, I can toler8 it. ::::/

AG: And shut up, you're one to talk a8out maturity.

TA: take off your jacket

AG: Whoa, whoa, coming on to me here Sollux????????

AG: Hahahahahahahaha!

TA: no retard ii need two get two your 2houlder

TA: you thiink everyone ii2 hiitiing on you

AG: Fine, fine, fine. *Slides her jacket off with her remaining arm.* I don't think everyone is hitting on me, I know they are.

AG: You should've seen how 8adly Karkat is waxing red for me. It's cute.

TA: man you are flat che2ted

AG: ........ SHUT UP, SOLLUX.

AG: That's none of your fucking 8usiness!

TA: never notiice wiith that big jacket you got on

AG: Oh my god, ARM, NOW, PLEASE.

AG: 8efore I think a8out strangling you again.

TA: but ii alway2 2aiid more than a mouthful ii2 a wa2te

TA: you do and iill zap you

AG: What the hell would you know anyways. ::::/ Not like Megido is 8etter.

TA: okay let me ju2t pu2h in here

TA: there may be 2ome paiin

AG: Umm........ oww? Except I'm not feeling that in my maimed arm, I'm feeling that in my other one........ what kind of fucking nerve did he fry?

TA: con2ult a doctor iif you feel paiin iin your blah blah ii dont giive a fuck

TA: okay iit2 off

TA: oh god iim goiing two barf

AG: Wow, aren't you just so civil and kind today.

TA: diid you wear thii2 in the abulatiion trap?

AG: What did I do to deserve such a gentleman?

AG: I did, why?

TA: there2 ton2 of miildrew iin here

TA: ju2t cau2e iit2 waterproof doe2nt mean you can soak iit

AG: Ugh, fine, fine. Duly noted.

AG: I'll refrain from doing so in the future. I'll remem8er just so I don't have to deal with this shit again.

AG: Terri8le customer service.

TA: ii know thii2 already but what is the problem today wiith your arm?

TA: have two a2k

AG: Look, I don't know why. I just, got out of my recuperacoon tonight and the fucking thing was completely limp. I can't really do anything without it. I can 8arely support it's weight without it actually 8eing activ8d and supporting itself. I felt like it was going to tear right out of my shoulder socket.

TA: diid you try turniing it on and off?

AG: Of course I thought a8out that! Don't even try and assume I wouldn't think of that first. Don't need a manual for that, jeeeeeeeez!

TA: agaiin have to a2k

TA: you got two clean the thiing

TA: here ii2 zahhak2 patented robot cleaniing oiil

AG: 8luuuuuuuuh, surely you or Equius can just make the damn thing autom8d and clean itself.

AG: Fuck that, you're trying to get me to 8uy more shit!

TA: you would have two 2pend more money for the automated ver2iion

AG: 8ah, fuck it. If I don't get this arm 8ack, no Flarp. No Flarp, no money. Siiiiiiiigh. Damn it.

AG: Fine, give me the goddamn cleaning oil. All of it.

TA: you dont have ten buck2?

TA: iim a broke mu2tard blood and ii can afford that

AG: Shut up, Sollux. I've 8een 8usy.

TA: bu2y doiing what?

AG: You try and fucking treat Karkat out to a decent cinema d8.

AG: Shit is expensive.

AG: Outraaaaaaaageous fucking prices.

TA: youre wiith kk now?

TA: red or black?

AG: ........

AG: Red. Now don't go spouting your mouth off a8out it either.

TA: ha you took hiim from tz, niice job

TA: probably the only rea2on youre after hiim

AG: May8e, may8e not.

AG: We'll see.

TA: okay fork over the money

AG: ........ one moment, I know I had it.

AG: I think it's in my jacket.

AG: Uhhhhhhhh, fuck, hang on.

AG: Oh my god, this can't 8e happening right now.

AG: ........

TA: viingear help2 two

TA: or you could blow kk for the money

TA: no go down on tz, 2he2 loaded

AG: I'm going to pretend you didn't even say that.

AG: I'm not some low 8lood filth, come on.

TA: oh playiing the blood card

TA: you al2o need two pay for the checkup

AG: W8, what?!?!?!?! I thought this was complimentary!

TA: no

TA: read your contract

AG: I would've fucking taken it to someone else then! You're kidding me!

AG: ........ I got a contract too???????? Where the hell did all this paperwork go?

AG: I am going to kick Zahhak's ass over this. I swear.

TA: he2 riight over there he he

CT: D --> I require more towels

CT: D --> Are there any fresh ones?

AG: You. You lying piece of shit.

TA: over there

AG: Don't you ignore me, Equius!

CT: D --> Greetings, Serket

CT: D --> I will forgive you for...interupting me

CT: D --> I know your lusus didn't teach you any manners

AG: Yeah, yeah. Salumotherfuckingtations, Equius. When I came to you I thought I was getting a special, oh I don't know, friend discount here. Now I'm 8eing charged for every little goddamn thing. What gives???????? And don't even talk a8out my lusus!

CT: D --> We are not friends

AG: ........ then you should know your employee is incredi8ly rude, and also very degrading to females, especially those so clearly a8ove him.

AG: Teach HIM some manners.

CT: D --> Is this true, Captor?

TA: ii diidnt hiit on her, 2he thiink2 everyone hiit2 on her

AG: 8ullshit!

CT: D --> Yes, she does overestimate her beauty

AG: You can't possi8ly 8elieve that.

AG: Hey!!!!!!!!

AG: I am amazing, thank you very much.

CT: D --> Your hair cannot match Megido's lovely tresses

CT: D --> As well as her other attributes

AG: Oh no you didn't just compare me to her of all people.

AG: Attri8utes?! What other fucking attri8utes?!?!?!?!

CT: D --> She rises well above her caste, while you barely fit in your own

AG: EXC8SE M8????????

CT: D --> She is...very physically fit

CT: D --> She is endowed...with much charm

CT: D --> She has huge breast

CT: D --> Oh darn I didn't say that

AG: Oh my god.

AG: Of coooooooourse that's all you idiot 8oys think a8out.

TA: not equius he2 two pure miinded

CT: D --> Thank you

AG: Yeah, o8viously.

AG: Riiiiiiiight.

CT: D --> Has Captor 100ked at your arm?

AG: He did more than look at just my arm. *Glares.*

AG: Not that it helped.

CT: D --> Is this your arm here?

CT: D --> Oh dear ancestor of empress, what have you done with my work?

AG: Talking to me or him? 8ecause he certainly wasn't graceful.

CT: D --> To you

AG: ........

CT: D --> It is filthy

AG: I am well aware of that.

AG: I was not aware that it required cleaning.

CT: D --> Why would you think it didn't require cleaning?

AG: 8ecause I figured it was self-maintained already!

AG: a self-maintained model, rather.

CT: D --> Did you read the manual?

AG: NO, I DIDN'T READ THE DAMN MANUAL. I vaguely don't even remem8er getting what.

AG: Whatever you gave me as far as paperwork goes. Ugh.

CT: D --> Disgraceful

CT: D --> Hasn't Kanaya helped you at all?

AG: Fussyfangs couldn't 8e 8othered to help clean it. She refuses to touch anything that would 8e even remotely unsanitary.

CT: D --> I meant help you to organize my paperwork

CT: D --> I have often told Nepeta she must keep her cave hive clean

CT: D --> I also make her clean her hair

AG: Oh, pffft. That'd require me to actually have kept the paperwork long enough for her to organize my document8ion. I pro8a8ly just threw that shit away the moment I left after getting my arm installed the originally.

CT: D --> I can make you a self-cleaning model, but it would be very e%pensive

CT: D --> You would still need to e%amine your arm from time to time

AG: 8een over this with Captor already. Not wanting to go through that again.

AG: Yeah yeah yeah. I know that no matter what it needs to 8e well kept now.

AG: Technically you were the one who falsely advertised! Just saying. You should 8e happy and gr8ful I'm not demanding a refund!

TA: 2he ii2nt payiing up her 310

AG: You, shut up!

CT: D --> You dare demand a refund?

CT: D --> Just because your memory is faulty is no reason to accuse me of fraud

CT: D --> I will not stand for this e%tortion

AG: Faulty?! I ought to have Vantas come kick 8oth your gru88y little thieving asses.

AG: This is ridiculous.

CT: D --> Vantas?

TA: we accept per2onal check2, even though we 2houldnt

AG: ........ why didn't you just mention that sooner?!

CT: you diidnt a2k

AG: Oh that's just....... argh. You drive me up the fucking walls, Sollux.

CT: D --> You really think Vantas is STRONG enough to fight me?

AG: I think I'M strong enough to fight you, Zahhak. Don't make me laugh.

AG: You wouldn't dare touch me though. >:::;)

CT: D --> I'll show you how STRONG I am!

CT: D --> HISSSSSSS

~ AG's arm is destroyed ~

CT: D --> Oh dear

CT: D --> Nepeta will be so %ed with me

AG: What........ the fuck........ did you J8ST D8?!?!?!?! EQUIUS, H8W C8ULD Y8U D8 TH8T?!?!?!?!

CT: D --> Um your fee has been waivered

TA: oh fuck

AG: Oh that's not enough.

AG: That's not even remotely closet.

AG: close.

TA: we are goiing two go out of bu2iine22

TA: gotta get a new job

CT: D --> Silence, employee!

CT: D --> I will give you a HUGE discount on your replacement

AG: Discount? More like gift it to me, free of charge.

AG: Just saying. >::::D

CT: D --> Do not tempt me

CT: D --> Your replacement arm will be ready in two weeks

AG: Two weeks?! Are you serious????????

CT: D --> Have I ever been not serious?

AG: How am I supposed to Flarp? And use my husktop!?!?!?!?

TA: you cant u2e your hu2ktop one handed?

AG: Sorry, I don't need to learn how to go around filling pails 8y myself, Sollux. Hahahahahahahaha!

AG: I'm sure YOU can use it one handed though.

CT: D --> Is this true, Captor?

TA: look you 2houldnt talk mii2ter "mediitatiion chamber"

AG: Whaaaaaaaat???????? Is that what you were doing?!?!?!?!

AG: Oh now I feel dirty for even venturing in there........

CT: D --> Of course not

CT: D --> What did it 100k like I was doing?

AG: I'd rather not say. It would offend my delic8 sensibilities.

AG: Shut up, Sollux. I heard that smirk.

AG: I'm just going to go ahead and go. You two are the most useless people ever. I swear. I'll 8e 8ack in two weeks.

AG: Try not to miss me. >:::;)

TA: we wont

AG: Don't lie, Sollux. You want me.

AG: Hahahahahahahaha!

AG: L8r.

 


	4. Equius and Gamzee

CT: D --> Welcome to Zahhak Robotics

TC: WoAh YoU nEvEr ToLd Me YoU rAn A cOmPaNy, BrO!

CT: D --> Yes, I make good use of my time

CT: D --> How do you spend your time?

TC: Um, WeLl, I lIkE tO bAke... AnD gEt BaKeD, hAhA! gEt It? :o)

TC: i DoN'T...

CT: D --> I would suggest you sell your pies but that would be completely illegal

CT: D --> Do you ever do anything that isn't drug related?

TC: uM, wElL, i SoMeTiMeS gO oUt On ThE bEaCh AnD jUsT cHiLl AnD wAtCh ThE bEaUtIfUl SkY. eVeRyThInG iS bEaUtIfUl, MaN.

TC: i AlSo LiKe To MaKe SiCk RhYmEs.

CT: D --> You cannot make a career out of sitting on the beach

CT: D --> Yes, poetry

CT: D --> You should work on that

TC: i NeVeR rEaLiZeD yOu WeRe SuCh A wOrKiNg StIfF, bUt ThAt'S cOoL.

TC: eVeRyOnE hAs ThEiR oWn CaLlInG, yOu KnOw?

CT: D --> I'm afraid that vile sopor slime has ruined your ear so much that you cannot hear your calling

CT: D --> Surely you must have a great calling

CT: D --> Who was your ancestor?

TC: yOu ThInK sO, mY bRoThEr?

TC: I dOn'T kNoW, mY lUsUs NeVeR tOlD mE.

TC: wAs He SuPpOsEd To?

CT: D --> Lusii can't speak

TC: WoAh, ReAlLy? I dIdN't KnOw...

TC: ThAt KiNd Of ExPlAiNs A lOt I gUeSs.

CT: D --> I admire your lusus as a beast, though he is a horrible guardian

CT: D --> He's so majestic

TC: hE's ThE bItChTiTs, BuT hE's AlWaYs BuSy, Ya KnOw? Oh WeLl, GoTtA Go WiTh WhAt FeEls RiGhT. iF hE's GoTtA rOaM tHe MoThErFuCkIn OcEaN tHaT's WhAt He'S gOtTa Do!

TC: wAnNa ShArE a FaYgO, mY bRoThEr? :o)

CT: D --> I must refuse

CT: D --> Besides, we are not in the same room

TC: wOaH, yOu SeRiOuS? i GuEsS i'M jUsT sEeInG tHiNgS, ThEn, HeH.

CT: D --> What do I look like in your visions?

TC: KiNd Of LiKe My OnE bRo, I gUeSs. He'S oNe CoOl MoThErFuCkEr BuT hE lEtS tHe SmAlL tHiNgS gEt To HiM... dOeSn'T sIt BaCk AnD jUsT eNjOy ThE lItTlE mIrAcLeS aRoUnD hIm!

CT: D --> What am I wearing?

CT: D --> Highb100d?

TC: HeH, yOu WeRe WeArInG sOmE rIgHtEoUs GlOwY sHiT tHaT i CoUlDn'T sToP sTaRiNg At BuT nOw YoU'rE wEaRiNg A cLoWn SuIt.

TC: WoAh, YeAh?

CT: D --> Do you often imagine me being there?

TC: SoMeTiMeS. bUt ThErE aRe UsUaLlY oThEr TrOlLs JuSt KiNd Of ChIlLiN' oUt HeRe. MoSt Of ThE tImE i JuSt SeE tHe MeSsIaHs.

CT: D --> Have you ever thought about returning to religious orthodoxy?

TC: bRo, I gOt A rElIgIoN aLrEaDy. YoU wAnNa JoIn It? :o)

CT: D --> Not your cult

CT: D --> I mean the Imperial Church

TC: NaH, tHeY dOn'T aPpReCiAtE tHe MiRaClEs.

CT: D --> They do, but they must be orderly and rational

CT: D --> You consider it a miracle when your husktop turns on after you push the power button

TC: i DoN't KnOw If I cOuLd Do OrDeRlY, hEhEhE. YoU eVeR sEe HoW mEsSy My RoOm Is?

TC: WoAh, YeAh, ThAt Is OnE rIgHtEoUs MiRaClE.

CT: D --> It is not a miracle

CT: D --> There is nothing supernatural about technology working the way it's suppose to

TC: EvErYtHiNg Is A mIrAcLe My BrOtHeR. dOn'T sAy StUfF lIkE tHaT.

CT: D --> If everything is a miracle, what makes miracles so STRONG

CT: D --> They are di100ted by overuse

TC: I dOn'T tHiNk I lIkE wHeRe ThIs CoNvErSaTiOn Is GoInG, bRo.

CT: D --> Oh dear

CT: D --> Have I accidentally prepositioned you?

TC: sOrRy, WaS tHaT kInD oF hArSh?

CT: D --> You could be harsher

CT: D --> Much more harsher

CT: D --> If you wish

TC: nAh, LiFe Is ToO bEaUtIfUl To GeT mAd. I'm SoRrY i LoSt My CoOl FoR a SeCoNd ThErE.

TC: It'S jUsT tHaT lEaRnInG aBoUt MiRaClEs JuSt GoEs AnD tAkEs ThE mAgIc OuT oF tHiNgS. :o)

CT: D --> You should be angry about some things

CT: D --> If I offend you, you should take out your rage on me

CT: D --> Unleash the fury that is Gamzee

TC: wOaH, wHy WoUlD i WaNnA dO tHaT? yOu'Re A cOoL mOtHeRfUcKeR!

TC: i Am As ChIlL aS aN iCeCuBe, HeH.

CT: D --> Sorry, only if you want to be angry you should be angry

TC: iT's CoOl. I mEaN, i GuEsS yOu OnLy WaNnA sEe Me Be A bEtTeR hIgHbLoOd Or WhAtEv.

TC: EqUiUs Is KiNdA lIkE tHaT, tOo.

CT: D --> I am Equius

TC: WoAh ReAlLy?

TC: MaAaAn I mUsT hAvE pUt MoRe SoPoR iN tHaT pIe ThAn I tHoUgHt, HeHeHe.

CT: D --> I should repeat then that this is Zahhak Robotics

CT: D --> Do you want a robot?

TC: iT iS? oH mAn, I aM tRiPpInG hArDcOrE. wHaT kInD oF rObOtS dO yOu HaVe?

CT: D --> I have cleaning robots, fighting robots, butler robots, protocol robots, industrial robots, concupiscent robots...

TC: Ok, WeLl, Um, WhAt Is A pRoToCoL rObOt? Or An InDuStRiAl RoBoT? oR a CoNcUpIsCeNt RoBoT?

TC: lEaRn NeW sHiT eVeRyDaY, hEh.

CT: D --> Protocol robots translate and advise and industrial robots build thing

CT: D --> And do you really want to know what concupiscent robots do?

TC: lAy It On Me, BrO. :o)

CT: D --> How much have you been sch001fed about the pails and the drones?

TC: UuUuH, nOt ToO mUcH. pAiLs ArE oBsCeNe ThOuGh, RiGhT? kArKaT tHrOwS a WiCkEd FiT wHeN i TaLk AbOuT tHeM.

CT: D --> Well

CT: D --> Concupiscent robots are used in those sort of matter

CT: D --> Excuse me I need to towel myself off

TC: Ok, My BrO. :o)

TC: MaN, yOu MuSt Go ThRoUgH a LoT oF tOwElS.

CT: D --> I have plenty of towels

CT: D --> Aurthor does the laundry nightly

TC: yEaH, tHaT's YoUr LuSuS, rIgHt?

CT: D --> Yes

CT: D --> He is the best butler there is

TC: DoEs He TeAcH yOu cOoL tHiNgS aBoUt MiRaClEs AnD sHiT?

CT: D --> He teaches me how to be STRONG

TC: hE's A pReTtY gOoD tEaChEr, ThEn.

CT: D --> You make me blush

CT: D --> But you haven't told me what sort of robot you would like

TC: yOu'Re HiLaRiOuS. :o) uH, wOw, I aLmOsT fOrGoT aGaIn! Uh, MaYbE a ClEaNiNg RoBoT, i MeAn, My HiVe Is KiNd Of MeSsY.

CT: D --> Thank you for saying cleaning robot

CT: D --> Though concupiscent robot would be interesting

TC: ReAlLy? MaYbE i'Ll TaKe OnE oF tHoSe, ThEn, If It'D bE iNtErEsTiNg. :oO

CT: D --> You wouldn't know what to do with one

CT: D --> I hope you do learn before the Imperial Drone arrives

TC: uM, pRoBaBlY nOt, YoU'rE rIgHt. WoAh, WhEn DoEs He CoMe?

CT: D --> Usually around ten sweeps

TC: I gOt ToNs Of TiMe, ThEn. :o) No WoRrIeS! hAkUnA mAtAtA. aPpArEnTlY tHaT's SoMe HuMaN wOrD. i ThInK iT mEaNs 'MiRaClEs EvErYwHeRe'.

CT: D --> It was a miracle we beat that game and everything turned out all right

TC: yEaH, iT wAs, WaSn'T iT? sEe, BrOtHeR? mIrAcLeS aRe EvErYwHeRe!

TC: Ok, I aLmOsT fOrGoT aGaIn

TC: BuT i WoUlD tOtAlLy WaNt A cLeAnInG rObOt.

CT: D --> Yes

CT: D --> I will make one for you

TC: yEaH, wE'd Be BeSt BrOs, I bEt. Me AnD tHaT rObOt. We CoUlD hAvE oUr OwN sItCoM!

CT: D --> Robots are not our "bros"

CT: D --> I don't even know what that means

TC: A bRo Is A bRo. LiKe HoW yOu'Re My BrO, bRo!

TC: wAnNa Be In OuR sItCoM?

CT: D --> Where is it on the quadrants?

CT: D --> Sorry, but I am busy

TC: Aw, AlRiGhT. UuUuH, pRoBaBlY iN tHe FlUsHeD qUaDrAnT?

CT: D --> Do you know what you are saying?

TC: To Be HoNeSt, NoT eNtIrElY! tHe MeSsIaHs ArE sItTiNg On My ShOuLdErS tElLiNg Me StUfF.

CT: D --> The flushed quadrant is one of the two that deal with mating

CT: D --> Do you pity me in a sexual sense?

TC: UuUuH, i GuEsS. :o)

CT: D --> Oh dear

CT: D --> Excuse me, I must lie down for a moment

CT: ((and I have to go))

TC: (haha, later alligatooor)

 


	5. Equius and Jade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The other person accidentally used John's blue in the beginning.

CT: D --> Welcome to Zahhak Robotics

EB: uhh

EB: hello! :DD

GG: oopsiess

CT: D --> Switching colors?

CT: D --> Very inappropriate

GG: im sorry!!

GG: : ( i accidently chose my friend's text color and not mine

CT: D --> So

GG: hmm? : )

CT: D --> How may I serve you?

CT: D --> Do you have need of a robot?

CT: D --> Or have you previously purchased a robot?

GG: oh no! i already have a jadebot! : )

CT: D --> What is a jadebot?

GG: well its a robot thats supposed to be me! :D

GG: its so neat!

CT: D --> Have you perished recently?

CT: D --> I am sorry for your loss

GG: oh uh no!

GG: its like a dream jade bot?

GG: i use it when im dreaming

CT: D --> I used to have a dreamself

CT: D --> I wore clothes inappropriate to my caste

GG: what did you wear?

CT: D --> Though I did 100k

CT: D --> Very

CT: D --> Pretty

CT: D --> A purple tunic and b100mers

CT: D --> I liked to frolic around

CT: D --> Oh no, I scared you away

GG: that sounds

CT: D --> It is shameful for one of my position

GG: very pretty!! : )

GG: oh no!

GG: im just listening : )

CT: D --> It does?

CT: D --> Do you think I'm

CT: D --> pretty?

CT: D --> I would do a sad smiley but that is unbecoming

CT: D --> Oh well

CT: D --> :(

GG: i think youre very pretty!!

GG: um unless you dont want me to think so

CT: D --> I shouldn't want to be pretty

CT: D --> That is more for those shamelessly foppish sea dwellers

GG: oh well i see

GG: what do you want to be? : )

CT: D --> I want to be STRONG

CT: D --> And I have succeed

CT: D --> But I also

CT: D --> want to be

CT: D --> pretty

GG: theres nothing wrong with that : )

GG: you can be pretty AND strong!!! :DD

CT: D --> Are you STRONG and pretty?

GG: id like to think so! since i can shoot things pretty well, hehe. : )

GG: but i wouldnt be able to call my self that pretty! : ( but my friend is really pretty! but shes also really strong

CT: D --> Who is this friend of yours?

GG: rose! : )

GG: know her?

CT: D --> I might

CT: D --> Does she type in a lavender text?

GG: yes!!

GG: :D

CT: D --> I asked her if she was a sea dweller

CT: D --> She said something weird about being from the depths of Mu

GG: depths of whaaa

CT: D --> I assume you don't understand her either

GG: uhh nope! not really : (

CT: D --> I don't think she is a sea dweller

CT: D --> You seem more like a sea dweller

CT: D --> Are any humans seadwellers?

GG: nope!!

GG: were all landdwellers hehe

GG: hehe :D

CT: D --> What a shame

GG: huuh? whys that?

CT: D --> Though I prefer musclebeasts, I do admire the tentacled creatures of the ocean

GG: :D theyre pretty!!

CT: D --> I have seen some fine art of tentacles

CT: D --> But they all seem to insist on adding females to the picture

CT: D --> I wouldn't mind that if the females weren't so WEAK

GG: what do you mean? :O

CT: D --> The female trolls in their pictures are menaced by tentacles but do not fight back

GG: oh thats probably because guys back then liked weak ladies!

GG: which is a shame i think!!

CT: D --> These are modern pieces

CT: D --> I do not like WEAK ladies

GG: oh! well i dont know!

GG: i figured you didnt like weak ladies :O

CT: D --> I have a matesprit

CT: D --> Well, kismesis

CT: D --> Who is very STRONG

GG: whos that? :DD

CT: D --> Aradia Megido

CT: D --> You wouldn't know her

CT: D --> She's very shy and demure

GG: awhh

GG: well she has a very pretty name!! : )

CT: D --> I agree

CT: D --> Unfortunately, she used to have the most hideous b100d

GG: huuh? i dont think blood would have to do anything with ...personalities or relationships or whatever? :O

CT: D --> Do humans not have castes based on color?

GG: uhh nope!!

GG: we dont : (

GG: do you guys?

CT: D --> We do

CT: D --> Everyone is equal in your society?

GG: theyres supposed to!!

GG: it doesnt happen all the time

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why the other person left. Didn't want to discuss racial politics I guess?


	6. Equius, Jade, and Tavros

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was Equius, the other person was Jade and Tavros.

GG: hello!! :DD

CT: D --> Hello

GG: hello!! :D

CT: D --> Welcome to Zahhak Robotics

GG: whats up?

CT: D --> I am seated upright

CT: D --> Am I speaking to your dreambot?

GG: um, so am i!! :O

GG: im not sure

GG: i guess so

GG: since i see tavros and stuff?? :O

GG: ehehe!

CT: D --> Hmmm

CT: D --> I'm not sure where on the timeline either of us are

CT: D --> Does Tavros have his robot legs?

GG: well in this dreambubble hes just in his wheelchair :O

CT: D --> Have you asked him where his legs are?

GG: or maybe im just dreaming right now

GG: im so confused!! im sooo confused.

GG: nope!

CT: D --> Sleep is no e%cuse for sloppiness

GG: im sorry! :(

GG: he looked as confused as i did when i asked him

CT: D --> Do you know for certain if you are a robot or not?

CT: D --> Can you tell him that if and when he get robotic legs he should stay away from stairs?

GG: okay!!

GG: well im no robot but i thiiiiiiiiiiiink my jadebot is typing right now?

GG: he says,"sTAIRS? wHAT?"

GG: or however he types

CT: D --> Tell him Maryam later chainsaws off his legs and I replace them with robotic ones

CT: D --> Don't tell him how high she cut

GG: how high did she cut??? :(

CT: D --> She cut up to his waist

CT: D --> I think she is more used to cutting clothes than people

GG: oh my gosh!

CT: D --> Yes, it would be best if he didn't know he'll soon lack genitals

GG: uuuuh

CT: D --> If I wasn't overruled I would have made some

GG: well okay

CT: D --> Perhaps you should ask him now if he would like a robot dong some day

GG: um, i dont think i should...

GG: that should be between you and him!! D: you know the maker and the client.

GG: strictly speaking!!

CT: D --> I'm afraid I found asking him to be

CT: D --> stressful

CT: D --> I don't think he was interested in what I had to say after he got the legs

GG: awww dont say that!! :((

CT: D --> He didn't even ask where his missing parts went

CT: D --> Can you bring him here to talk?

GG: Yeah

GG: Give me a second!!

AT: uHH, hELLO, eQUIUS,,

CT: D --> Hello, Nitram

CT: D --> This may be easier to say now that I can't see your grub-like face

CT: D --> But have you ever

CT: D --> Thought about your genitals?

AT: tHATS,, sORTA sUDDEN,,

CT: D --> I am not prepositioning you in any manner

CT: D --> You disgust me sexually

AT: oKAY,,,,,,,,

AT: iS tHAT, wHY yOU wANTED jADE tO cALL mE oVER,,,?

CT: D --> If you have such feelings for me, never reveal them to me

CT: D --> I want to talk to you about your genitals

CT: D --> There will come a time when you'll lose them

AT: uHH, i dONT tHINK tHIS iS vERY uHHH

AT: aPPROPRIATE,,

CT: D --> Am I being too disturbing?

CT: D --> Yes, it isn't

AT: jUST, uHH, a lITTLE

AT: iD rATHER nOT tALK aBOUT tHIS

AT: i,uHH, dONT rEALLY wANT tO hEAR aBOUT uHHH, lOSING aNYTHING oF mINE

CT: D --> I can make you new genitals if you so desire

AT: i, uHH, iM fEELING vERY uNCOMFORTABLE rIGHT nOW,,

AT: i dONT rEALLY wANT a nEW dONG oR aNYTHING,,,

CT: D --> Why not?

CT: D --> I can make it as large as you want

AT: uHH, i, dONT,,,

AT: nO tHANKS,,,,

AT: yOURE,uHH, sORTA cREEPY,,,

CT: D --> I'm not creepy

AT: tHEN wHY aRE, yOU,uHH, tALKING aBOUT mY,,,,uHH, nETHERPARTS?

CT: D --> I'm trying to be gracious to a lowb100d

CT: D --> I could just let you remain an eunuch after Kanaya chainsaws you in half

AT: tHIS iS nOT,,,wHAT?

AT: wHAT aRE yOU tALKING aBOUT, eQUIUS?

CT: D --> Oh dear

CT: D --> I wanted to shield you from the truth

AT: uHH,,,

CT: D --> I'm sure the jade b100d had good reasons

AT: uMM,,,,,,,,

CT: D --> She did seem insistant that I not give you gentials

CT: D --> She muttered some f001 words about Serket

AT: uHHHH,

AT: oHHH,,,,,

AT: i sEE, i sEE,,,

AT: }:(

AT: iTS,uHH, nOT lIKE, i, uhh, cOULD, gET vRISKA, uHH, aNYWAY,,,,

CT: D --> Is that what she meant?

CT: D --> She did not want you to pursue Vriska?

AT: uHH, i dONT tHINK sO,,,

CT: D --> Or perhaps she didn't want Vriska pursuing you

CT: D --> How obscene

AT: wHAT,

CT: D --> She's a b100 b100d, even if she doesn't act that way most of the time

CT: D --> I forbid it

CT: D --> Do not let Vriska ride you like a mechanical bull

AT: tHEN, i dONT,uHH, tHINK sHED cARE fOR mE

AT: oKAY

AT: ,,,

AT: wHAT,,,?

CT: D --> Do not let her near your genitals

AT: uHH, iM uNCOMFORTABLE nOW,,

CT: D --> Is she near you right now?

CT: D --> Don't be afraid to use your lance

AT: uHH, nOO, bUT wHY wOULD i uSE mY lANCE oN vRISKA

CT: D --> To keep her from ravishing you

CT: D --> I mean your weapon lance, not your bone bulge lance

AT: uHH, oKAY,,,

CT: D --> Don't ravish her back!

AT: uHH, oKAY,,,

CT: D --> I wished I hadn't brought up such a distastful subject

CT: D --> You are too tempting to highb100ds

CT: D --> It is better for you to remain a eunuch

AT: uHH,wHY,,,?

AT: uHH, wHY,,,

CT: D --> So Gamzee will not po100te himself with you

AT: hE wONT, uHH, wHAT,,,

CT: D --> I see the way he 100ks at you

CT: D --> Though he 100ks that way at everyone

CT: D --> But mostly you

AT: lIKE, uHH, sTONED, aS tHE hUMANS,uHH, sAY,,,

CT: D --> Stoned with desire

AT: uHHH, w-WHAT,,,

CT: D --> He wants to have sex with you

CT: D --> Oh dear

AT: wHAT,,,

CT: D --> How crude of me

AT: sTOP l-LYING,,

CT: D --> He rejected you?

CT: D --> Good

AT: wHAT,, i dONT tHINK hE, uHH, lIKE mE lIKE tHAT,,

AT: wE'RE jUST bEST fRIENDs,,

CT: D --> Still too close for comfort

CT: D --> But I'm glad Gamzee is still free

CT: D --> I mean

CT: D --> Of po100tion

AT: wHAT,,,

AT: yOU'RE,uHH, tHATS kINDA,uHH, mEAN,,,

CT: D --> You are a lowb100d

CT: D --> We aren't even on the same team

CT: D --> Still, I wish you well

CT: D --> I need to go now

 


	7. Equius and Sollux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The person accidentally started with basic black.

CT: D --> Welcome to Zahhak Robotics

??: ah, equiiu2?

TA: oh jeez, fuck you kiind of 2cared the 2hiit out of me.

CT: D --> You forgot your colors, yellow b100d

CT: D --> You should not defecate in such a manner

TA: ii don't 2ee why iit'2 of iimportance, you know my blood color regardle22.

CT: D --> You should never forget your place

TA: geez, what'2 wiith you and the hemo2pectrum.

CT: D --> The hemospectrum was handed down to us from the GODS

TA: heh whatever you 2ay.

TA: ii don't thiink iit'2 that iimportant.

CT: D --> I would punish you but we are on the same team

CT: D --> Consider this a warning

TA: punii2h me?

TA: plea2e, liike there'2 anythiing you could do.

CT: D --> Do you doubt my STRENGTH?

TA: ii doubt a lot of thiing2.

CT: D --> I can deal with psychics

TA: but ii'm not 2tupiid enough two doubt your 2trength.

CT: D --> Aradia has whipped me into a frenzy many a time

CT: D --> Good

CT: D --> Why have you trolled me?

TA: well thii2 ii2 2tupiid, ii wa2 goiing two a2k iif you needed anythiing.

TA: but then we kiind of argued.

CT: D --> What would I need?

CT: D --> Besides another mouse

TA: ii don't know, ii'm ju2t doiing my job.

CT: D --> I commend you for that

CT: D --> A lowb100d should always think of how they can please their superiors

TA: what.

TA: ugh ii knew iit would come off liike that.

TA: no, ii'm ju2t helpiing the other2 out. kiind of cleaniing up and makiing 2ure everyone'2 2atii2fiied.

CT: D --> Could you clean me?

TA: clean you? don't you know how two clean your2elf?

CT: D --> I must admit I sometimes have

CT: D --> trouble

CT: D --> keeping up my hygiene

CT: D --> I sometimes get

CT: D --> distracted

TA: ii don't 2ee how you can get dii2tracted whiile cleaniing your2elf but.

TA: 2ure ii 2uppo2e.

CT: D --> Use your psionics

CT: D --> I will not allow you to touch me

TA: a2 long a2 you don't miind the 2hiitty uniiform kanaya iin2ii2ted on me weariing, iit'2 fuckiing degradiing.

TA: what.

TA: you're a2kiing me two clean you but you..want me two u2e my p2iioniic2 iin2tead of my hand2.

CT: D --> How degrading

CT: ?

TA: you're fuckiing confu2iing.

TA: uh..very degradiing, why?

CT: D --> What is this outfit?

TA: um. ii don't really want two 2ay.

CT: D --> It's a maid uniform, isn't it?

TA: ..

TA: ii'm not an2weriing that.

CT: D --> I think you should try and clean me from the next room over

CT: D --> Otherwise the entire act might be

CT: D --> counter-productive

TA: what? why can't ii ju2t clean you liike a normal troll?

TA: ii don't have a dii2ea2e, and the 2tupiid outfiit ha2 glove2.

CT: D --> Do you really want to touch me?

CT: D --> Do you have feelings for me?

TA: um. ii. never 2aiid any of that?

CT: D --> Why do you want to touch me?

CT: D --> ANSWER ME, MUCUS B100D

TA: um. ii don't 2ee why iit'2 that biig of a deal really ii'm ju2t tryiing two help.

TA: ii apologiize.

CT: D --> Apology accepted if you do things my way

TA: but that'2 a ha22le on the miind two u2e my p2iioniic2 for an extended periiod of tiime.

CT: D --> Don't offer to serve me if you cannot follow through

CT: D --> Can you find some else to take your place?

CT: D --> Don't say Eridan

TA: no, my um. apologiie2, ii'm the only one who offered two do thii2 job.

TA: but ii gue22 ii could try two u2e my p2iioniic2.

CT: D --> Will you require a video link up to see me?

TA: you were 2eriiou2 about me beiing iin a diifferent room? that doe2n't make 2en2e.

CT: D --> Stop questioning me!

CT: D --> Do you really want to see me pail in my shorts?

CT: D --> Oh fuck

CT: -sticks

TA: what, no. um.

CT: D --> Forget this matter, lowb100d

CT: D --> I command you to wipe your memory

TA: um. ye2 2- ii mean okay, equiiu2.

CT: D --> Tell Aradia I said "Yes, Mistress"

TA: excu2e me? um, okay ii 2uppo2e.

CT: D --> Good night

 


	8. Equius and dead!Aradia

CT: D --> Welcome to Zahhak Robotics

CT: D --> How may I serve you?

AA: i need n0thing

CT: D --> Hello Aradia

AA: hell0 equius

AA: ribbit

CT: D --> You have not received my soul bot yet

CT: D --> I think you will enjoy it greatly

AA: i guess i w0uld be 0kay with it

AA: 0\\_0

CT: D --> Only okay?

CT: D --> And do not use slang

AA: maybe even m0re than 0kay

AA: s0 0r s0 i shall thank y0u s0 thank you

CT: D --> Thank me how?

AA: h0w d0 y0u want me t0 thank y0u

CT: D --> The most proper way

CT: D --> would be with a FIRM handshake

CT: D --> Or in your case, a curtsey

AA: 0\\_0

AA: 0kay

CT: D --> Yes that is all the thanks I want

CT: D --> But if you had any other ideas I wouldn't object

AA: i w0nt d0 it 0bvi0usly

CT: D --> Why not?

AA: since i am n0t really 0kay with d0ing it

AA: ribbit

CT: D --> Not okay with curtseying?

CT: D --> I thought you were a dignified young lady

AA: fine fine

AA: i will d0 s0 t0 thank y0u in the pr0per way

CT: D --> Yes that is good

CT: D --> But do not be surprised if you want to thank me in other ways

CT: D --> You might get overwhelmed

CT: D --> With gratitude

AA: as in what 0ther ways can i thank y0u

CT: D --> You might hug me

AA: 0\\_0

AA: 0kay i will d0 that 0nly if y0u w0nt sweat

CT: D --> I'm not commanding you to do that

CT: D --> I could command you but I won't

CT: D --> That is too 100d

AA: i am 0kay with hugging y0u i guess s0 i will d0 that

CT: D --> I will try not to sweat if you order me too

AA: i cant st0p y0u can i d0 whatever y0u want

CT: D --> You should stop me from doing such things

AA: 0kay

AA: s0 i 0rder y0u t0 st0p t0 sweat

CT: D --> But only when you are a high b100d

CT: D --> I will try to stop sweating none the less

AA: very well

AA: ribbit

AA: wh00ps

CT: D --> It isn't working

AA: w0rking

AA: what

CT: D --> I am still sweating

CT: D --> More, in fact

AA: 0h well i am 0kay with y0u sweating

AA: s0 if y0u have t0 sweat just d0 it

CT: D --> Sweating commencing

AA: perhaps smashing s0mething w0uld help y0u t0 relax a bit

CT: d --. idfj typing failing

CT: skjdehgsdafhgjkdsfnvkjvsdjn

AA: 0\\_0

AA: what

centaursTesticleS's computer has exploded

AA: 0h g0d

centaursTesticles has logged back on

CT: D --> Sorry about that

AA: its 0kay

CT: D --> Do you really like robots?

AA: i guess they are 0kay

AA: as i d0 n0t recall h0w em0ti0ns feel like s0 i d0nt kn0w if i like them

CT: D --> Do you ever remember being near a robot?

AA: n0

CT: D --> I suppose you were too poor to afford them

CT: D --> Did you ever look at pictures of robots?

AA: i rememeber that i liked arche0l0gy but i had n0thing t0 d0 with r0b0ts

CT: D --> Did you ever see musclebeast art in your archeological searches?

AA: i did

AA: maybe i even saved s0me 0f them s0mewhere

CT: D --> Where?

CT: D --> Go find them and bring them to me right now

AA: 0kay i will try

AA: ribbit

CT: D --> Where are you?

AA: near my hive 0r at least what was left fr0m it i guess

CT: D --> How much musclebeast are you holding?

AA: 0h i als0 f0und th0se pictures 0f the musclebeasts

AA: ab0ut ten

CT: D --> What do they look like?

AA: they are n0t in the best c0nditi0n since they are very 0ld but uh

AA: i think y0u w0uld like it since i can n0t really l00k at them f0r t00 l0ng

CT: D --> Why not?

CT: D --> I command you to admire them

AA: i cant understand this art like y0u equius

AA: 0\\_0

CT: D --> Do you not like males?

AA: what d0es that have t0 d0 with this art if th0se are musclebeasts

CT: D --> Musclebeasts are very male

CT: D --> Though they also have a gentle femininity, I suppose

CT: D --> Look at their heaving bosoms and wide hips

AA: i prefer n0t t0

CT: D --> Again I command you to

CT: D --> When you become a b100 b100d you will 100k at this all night

AA: 0kay

AA: f0r h0w l0ng d0 i have t0 stare at them

AA: what

AA: 0\\_0

CT: D --> I have supplied your robot body with new b100d

CT: D --> You're welcome

AA: i guess i am 0kay with the bl00d that i have n0w but thank y0u anyway

AA: is there anything else ab0ut this r0b0t that i sh0uld kn0w

CT: D --> You're dead

CT: D --> You have no b100d

AA: right

AA: but i used t0 have bl00d

AA: when i was alive at least

CT: D --> And you were e%sanguinated

AA: whatever the bl00d that this r0b0t has i am 0kay with it

CT: D --> Do you like my shade of b100d?

CT: D --> Yes you do, don't lie to me

AA: why w0uld i answer ab0ut this even

CT: D --> The robot also turns into a horse

AA: 0\\_0

AA: why

CT: D --> So you could gallop majestically through the fields

CT: D --> You'll wear a jumpsuit

CT: D --> You're also a telephone

AA: 0\\_0

AA: this is getting slightly unc0mf0rtable and awkward

AA: i d0nt want t0 be a h0rse and wear a jumpsuit what is teleph0ne even

CT: D --> A device from communicating voice over distances

CT: D --> I'm sorry you are too poor to understand

AA: equius

AA: this is silly

AA: why d0 i need t0 c0mmunicate with v0ices 0ver distances when i can use the tr0llian f0r d0ing s0

CT: D --> I heard it in a song and it sounded fascinating

AA: i d0nt think that i will enj0y this r0b0t in any way n0w

CT: D --> Do you want me to give your robot to someone else?

CT: D --> I will give it to Vriska then

CT: D --> She bound to die soon the way she carries on

AA: d0 whatever y0u want blue bl00ded sn0b with this silly r0b0t 0f y0urs

CT: D --> Fine

CT: D --> There will be an Aradia robot on the loose with Vriska's personality

CT: D --> She will be like a god

CT: D --> I hope you're happy

AA: 0\\_0

AA: i am 0kay with that

AA: if y0u are 0kay with pe0ple dying ar0und by this s0ul b0t that will be used by vriska

CT: D --> She will use it better than you could

CT: D --> She is a b100 b100d after all

AA: having a blue bl00d d0esnt mean much

AA: maybe yes y0u are in a high class than i am and i am aware 0f that fact

CT: D --> You could be in my class if you stopped this stubborn f001ishness

AA: i am very s0rry ab0ut my rudeness

CT: D --> Apology accepted when you enter the soul bot

AA: fine i will enter the s0ul b0t then

CT: D --> Yes

CT: D --> So will you bring the musclebeast art to my hive?

CT: D --> Yes you will

AA: fine i will d0 s0 since i have n0thing else t0 d0 with them anyh0w

AA: ribbit

CT: D --> I will see your art soon

CT: D --> Good night

AA: g00d night

 


	9. Equius and Karkat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to post this earlier.

CT: D --> Welcome to Zahhak Robotics

CG: EQUIUS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BLABBING ABOUT.

CT: D --> Please do not use such 100d language

CT: D --> Do you have any requests?

CG: I WILL USE WHATEVER FUCKING LANGUAGE I PLEASE.

CG: IM YOUR FUCKING LEADER.

CG: YEAH, ACTUALLY, I DO.

CG: MAKE US A VACUUM CLEANER, FOR THIS DIRTY ASS FLOOR.

CG: YOU CAN CALL IT A "ROOMBA".

CT: D --> That is a surprisingly good idea

CT: D --> This f100r is so filthy

CG: THEN YOU SHOULD MASS PRODUCE THEM AND SELL THEM AROUND THE UNIVERSE.

CG: WE SHALL HAVE A ROOMBA TAKE OVER!

CT: D --> An army of robots?

CT: D --> What an arousing idea

CG: MAKE THEM EXPLODE.

CT: D --> What attachments do you want on this roomba?

CT: D --> I know robotics can be erotic but you must stop pleasing yourself and answer

CG: MAKE IT BE ABLE TO SENSE WHERE WALLS ARE.

CG: SO IT DOESN'T JUST HIT ONE AND KEEP GOING LIKE A RETARDED LITTLE BUG.

CT: D --> What else do you want it to sense?

CT: D --> I think it should sense b100d color

CG: THAT WOULD BE FUCKING AWESOME.

CT: D --> I wouldn't expect you to say that

CG: WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING, EQUIUS.

CG: I'LL ME ABLE TO SCREW AROUND WITH IT, WON'T I?

CG: I MEAN.

CG: THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'LL MESS AROUND WITH IT WITH OTHERS AROUND.

CG: BUT OTHERWISE I GUESS THAT'D BE PRETTY FUCKING COOL.

CT: D --> I was referring to the b100d color detector

CG: NO THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

CG: I FORBID YOU FROM EVER INSTALLING ANYTHING OF THE SORT ON A ROOMBA.

CG: OR ANY OTHER ROBOT, FOR THAT MANNER.

CT: D --> Sorry, sir

CT: D --> What about a sensor to detect musclebeasts?

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT,

CG: JUST EQUIP IT WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKING COOL WEAPONS AND SHIT AND WE'LL MAKE IT A BATTLE VACUUM.

CT: D --> YESH

CT: D --> I need a towel

CG: OH MY GOG EQUIUS.

CG: I ALSO FORBID YOU FROM GETTING OFF ON ANY OF THIS.

CT: D --> If I am not excited about robotics, I cannot work

CT: D --> Not that I'm contradicting your order

CG: FINE, FINE.

CG: I GUESS YOU CAN GET HORNY OR WHATEVER ALL YOU WANT.

CG: BUT I SWEAR YOU BETTER NOT FUCKING ASK ME FOR A TOWEL.

CT: D --> I have my own supply of TOWELS

CG: GOOD FOR YOU THEN.

CT: D --> Should I equip the roomba with a battle dildo?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK

CG: SURE, WHATEVER FUCKING FLOATS YOUR BOAT.

CT: D --> Like the majestic musclebeasts that devour trolls with their enormous DONGS

CT: D --> Just a minute, I got a tear in my eye

CG: SOUNDS...

CG: TOUCHING...

CT: D --> Why did they all have to die?

CG: I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

CG: SORRY ABOUT THAT. YOU SHOULD MAKE SOME STATUE OR ROBOT IN MEMORIAM.

CT: D --> Do you think they have musclebeasts in the universe we made?

CG: MAYBE.

CG: WHO CARES ABOUT THOSE PESKY SHITSTAINS ANYWAY.

CT: D --> What species did you wish our universe to be populated with?

CG: I DONT KNOW

CG: SOMETHING THAT WOULDN'T FUCK UP OUR GAME SESSION, I GUESS

CT: D --> I think you thought up the humans

CT: D --> You despise your nubby horns, dull teeth, and I won't go into your shameful b100d

CG: FUCK YOU.

CG: DON'T FUCKING BRING THAT SHIT UP, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

CG: I'M YOUR FUCKING LEADER AND I DEMAND YOU TREAT ME WITH RESPECT.

CT: D --> I am crediting you with the creature of a species advanced enough to "fuck up" our game session

CT: D --> As much as I love them, musclebeasts have WEAK minds

CG: THEY'RE NOT ADVANCED

CG: THEIR IDIOTS

CG: MORONIC FRIVOLOUS SHITSTAINS WHO'S STUPIDITY ROYALLY FUCKED US OVER

CT: D --> Their idiots did what?

CG: THEY'RE**

CT: D --> Oh, I'm sorry for pointing out your grammatical mistake

CT: D --> I thought about your statue idea

CT: D --> I have tried modeling a beast, but I could not keep it balanced

CT: D --> To quote Makara, it's a "mIrAcLe" they can stand

CG: SPEAKING OF THAT CRACKHEADED DOUCHE, IF HE DOESN'T STOP FUCKING AROUND IN THAT HORN PILE OVER THERE I'M GOING TO FUCKING SNAP.

CG: CAN'T YOU TELL HIM TO KNOCK IT OFF.

CT: D --> Never

CT: D --> He is a highb100d

CT: D --> Besides, aren't you the leader?

CG: FINE, FINE.

CG: YOU SUBMISSIVE TWAT, I GUESS ILL DO IT.

CG: SINCE I'M HIS "BEST FRIEND" AND WHATEVER.

CT: D --> About the roomba

CT: D --> Can I put the Alternian flag on it along with the words "Never Forget" and a crying Mother Grub?

CG: SURE. THAT'S VERY PATRIOTIC OF YOU.

CT: D --> We must all salute the roomba every time it goes by

CG: MAYBE SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

CG: OR AT LEAST HUM THE OPENING LINE.

CT: D --> You don't know the full anthem?

CT: D --> "Oh dude, oh dude..."

CG: IF WE HAD TO SING THE WHOLE THING EVERY TIME WE FUCKING SAW IT, IT WOULD GET REALLY ANNOYING REALLY FUCKING FAST.

CT: D --> "I'm in ur base..."

CT: D --> "I'm killing your dudes..."

CT: D --> Oh sugar I forgot the rest

CG: WHAT A COINCIDENCE. SO HAVE I.

CG: INSTEAD CAN'T YOU JUST PROGRAM A RADIO IN IT OR SOMETHING?

CT: D --> Yes

CT: D --> You do like HEAVY METAL?

CG: WHO GIVES A SHIT, ONE GENRE'S AS GOOD AS THE NEXT WHEN WE'RE ALL DOOMED.

CT: D --> We mustn't let the sea prince near the radio

CG: THAT DOUCHEBAG WOULD PROBABLY PUT SAD LOVE SONGS OR SOMETHING ON. I CRINGE TO THINK OF IT.

CT: D --> He keeps playing Troll Weezer

CT: D --> I do not think he looks as much like the front troll as he thinks

CT: D --> Sir?

 


	10. Equius and Vriska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Which one is the worse neighbor?

CT: D --> Welcome to Zahhak Robotics

AG: What are you doing, Equius????????

CT: D --> Selling robots

AG: Are these your...special ro8ots?

CT: D --> Neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh

CT: D --> Maybe

AG: Ooooooooh.

CT: D --> I do not think I could sell you a robot like that

CT: D --> Not with you being my neighbor

CT: D --> And your open window

AG: Why not????????

CT: D --> I might

CT: D --> Witness something

CT: D --> You are already too loud

CT: D --> I have herd things I'd rather have never herd

AG: Awwwwwwww. ::::(

CT: D --> I am very grateful you broke up with Eridan

AG: We were never that loud!

CT: D --> You do know we live on a cliff side

AG: Well. May8e he was, 8ut he's a total wimp.

CT: D --> Agreed

AG: Yeah. And????????

CT: D --> The cliff echos

AG: Oh.

CT: D --> You are the worse neighbor

AG: You explode ro8ots.

AG: Every day.

CT: D --> You have lower b100d than me

CT: D --> And a troll-eating lusus

CT: D --> You bring people over all the time

AG: And????????

CT: D --> Many of them are lowb100ds

AG: It's not like I chose my lusus!!!!!!!!

CT: D --> You chose to wriggle onto the same place I laid my hive

CT: D --> I would curse fate

CT: D --> But that would be undignified

AG: Come on. You know that you like 8eing neighbors with me.

AG: I make things interesting!

CT: D --> At least you are a b100b100d

AG: You wouldn't toler8 this if I were a lower 8lood?

CT: D --> I barely tolerate it as it is

CT: D --> Why can't I know any decent highb100ds?

AG: May8e there just aren't any.

CT: D --> WHAT

CT: D --> HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

CT: D --> How

CT: D --> degenerate

AG: Look. Look at the high8loods we know. There's you. And you've got some pro8lems of your own, don't deny it. There's Gamzee and he spends all of his time doing who knows what. There's Eridan and you know what he's like. And there's Feferi. She's okay. So one in four high8loods is pretty much normal.

CT: D --> I had forgotten about the Heir Apparent of the Alternian Empire

CT: D --> Wait

CT: D --> How did I forget about the Heir Apparent of the Alternian Empire?

AG: No idea.

CT: D --> I know the Heir Apparent of the Alternian Empire

CT: D --> Oh my

AG: May8e you're just a 8it degener8 yourself.

CT: D --> I cannot live up to this honor

CT: D --> Yes, I am a degererate

AG: Don't...kill yourself or anything over this.

CT: D --> Why would I do that?

AG: That would 8e a 8ad plan.

CT: D --> That would also be degereate

CT: D --> To kill myself for being degerate

AG: Then what are you going to do?

CT: D --> I have my own ways of

CT: D --> Punishing myself

AG: Can you at least 8e quiet at it?

CT: D --> YOU'VE HEARD?

AG: Yes. I've heard. We live on a cliff side. It echoes.

CT: D --> Oh shit

CT: D --> Shoot

CT: D --> I suppose the ball gag does not help as much as I thought

AG: It doesn't.

CT: D --> Or the padding

CT: D --> Maybe I could put something in my milk to make me sick

AG: Nope.

CT: D --> Or maybe a milk enema

AG: Or you could, you know, not do anything????????

CT: D --> But how could I stop myself from depravity?

AG: Can we not 8e having this conversation????????

CT: D --> Do you still want a robot?

CT: D --> I am not comfortable either

AG: No. It's fine.


	11. Doesn't belong but who cares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya and Gamzee have it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are Kanaya I'm sorry I logged out too early.

TC: hey anyone want to kick me in the shame globes?

GA: I Would Love To

GA: You Have It Coming To You After Killing Most Of My Friends Gamzee

TC: YOU WERE FRIENDS WITH EQUIUS?

TC: face it sis, you just hatin on clowns

GA: Well

GA: Equius Was One Of Us

GA: He Fought With Us Against The Black King

TC: ONE OF YOU PEASANTBLOODS

GA: And So I Ranked Him Slightly Higher Than An Aquaintance

GA: Yes, And So What If He Was

GA: Not Everyone Can Be Purple Blooded Can They

TC: indigo

TC: FUCKIN INDIGO

GA: Thats True

TC: i am the motherfuckin highblood

TC: KNEEL

TC: me in the groin

GA: Compared To The Sea Dwellers You Are Lower Than Them

GA: Arent You

GA: How About I Just Slice Off Your Head With My Chainsaw

TC: SEABLOODS?

TC: like that motherfucker eridan

TC: DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH HE AIN'T HIGHER THAN ME!

GA: Oh Reallu

TC: yeah try it bitch

GA: *Really

GA: Well It Certainly Seems To Me That Eridan Is Higher Than You On The Hemospectrum

GA: Feferi Even More So

GA: Especially With Her Being The Empress To Be

TC: FEFERI IS THE BITCHTITS

GA: So Don't Start Calling Me A Peasant Blood Gamzee Makara

TC: but that fucker eridan killed her

TC: PEASANTBLOOD

GA: He Killed Me As Well

TC: yeah just a sad little fuckin peasantblood

GA: A Sad Little Fuckin Peasantblood With A Chainsaw

GA: Don't You Forget That

TC: COME ON JUST KICK ME NOW!

TC: got to get my honk on.

GA: You Are A Disgusting Member Of The Troll Race

GA: But Very Well

GA: **Delivers Swift Kick To Gamzee's Bone Bulge Before Dodging Back**

GA: Happy Now?

TC: *kanaya loses gold star*

TC: *goes down level on lesbian rank*

GA: Good Grief

TC: REVENGE.

TC: honk

TC: HONK

GA: Bring It

TC: honk

TC: HONK

TC: honk

GA: **Revs Chainsaw**

TC: HOOOOOOOOOOONK

TC: *gets out bow and arrow*

TC: *shoots*

TC: *misses*

GA: **Dodges**

TC: fuck

GA: Lets Just See If You Can Dodge My Chainsaw Just As Well

GA: **Begins advancing on Gamzee**

GA: **Lifts Chainsaw**

GA: Your Blood Should Taste Delicious

TC: *flips backwards*

TC: LIKE GRAPE FAYGO SIS

TC: lick my face

GA: **Slashes Sideways**

GA: You Will Pay For Thier Deaths

GA: *Their

TC: *does so*

TC: *DEAD*

GA: Good

GA: **Reverts Chainsaw To Lipstick**

 


End file.
